I am beginning to come out of the listlessness. The past 2 weeks have consisted of going to work, coming home, eating and then going to bed to Wake in the early hours to do the same thing over again. Keeping my routines of Qigong and meditation has kept me sane, but unfulfilled. No desire to cook, no inspiration to write or paint or plan my garden or any of the multitudes of creative endeavors I usually enjoy. I put it off to simply being “fruehjahrsmuedigkeit”, German for the lethargy at the beginning of spring. It may also be the frustration of not being able to connect with my muse, my genie, my brilliance.
Or it is what it is.
Two weekends ago I realized (once again) that which I have been resisting is that which my soul is here to express. It is what I was born to do. The story I was born to tell. I was instantly able to write more words in one weekend than I ever have before in my life. A burning dancing giddiness filled me and fueled my fingers as they flew over the keyboard.
And then. And then, as all is with the Tao or the universe or whatever you want to call it…. The opposite set in. When you experience the bliss of awakening- you Will experience the dark night of the soul. That is the yin and yang of all things. When the pendulum swings to one side, it will swing to the other. The tides rise and fall. Life is not and cannot be all roses and daisies, peaches and cream.
I find comfort in this. I know that the pendulum is returning, and the object of the game right now is to integrate the vibe of knowing what I was born to do and allowing my body to expand its ability to feel this without exploding.
Being patient and gentle with my body and my mind helps this process tremendously. Allowing the feelings of frustration, impatience and “WT actual F?!?!”, to be present without my judgment, helps. ( though this part is extremely difficult for me at times, and I only remembered to apply this concept after the stress of resisting those feelings caused my body to react with a histamine flood, effectively sending me to bed to cry it all out.)
And now…. Thank you, thank you , thank you!! The muse is tickling again. The garden plans are made, a new recipe is simmering, and new painting in the works. And! What I was born to do is beginning to express itself more steadily.
Slowly and surely is what my favorite guide from the animal spirits tells me over and over again.