Embracing Me

Willingly and enthusiastically accept and support the totality of who and what you are;  those inner selves that are not who you truly are, but were created at some point in the past to protect your deepest values and gifts at all cost, the inner selves that are still living in the belief they are not safe.

It took a near death experience, and the resulting deep seated peace within me, for me to compassionately embrace my not good enough and frightened self, the one not daring to be who she fully is for fear she would be shunned or worse.

The months and years following that accident brought ever changing situations/conflicts  into my life that sometimes made the new emotional baseline of peace within me very quiet, as if the volume was turned down on the once all encompassing state. These situations would trigger/ reawaken the old feeling of “It’s not ok to be me”.  I would feel (and still do) an anxiety and tightness in different parts of my body, that would become louder if I did not or do not pay attention to it. Most times the simple act of paying attention to the discomfort would be (and is) enough to ease the tension and anxiety and let peace take its place again. Sometimes it is not enough, and I must allow myself to sink within, be curious and compassionately seek out and embrace the inner me that is causing the discomfort.

On one such occasion I found myself confronted with an intense verbal attack, directed at me from a family member. I was being loudly criticized in my ability to be a good mother and simultaneously work successfully outside the home. I noticed my body tensed and froze, I was unable to speak and I simply let the abuse flow over me. I did not verbally engage in the conflict and once it was over my body was shaking and felt empty, devoid of emotion.

I took a deep breath and allowed myself to find a quiet and safe space. “What just happened?” I asked myself incredulously. I sat alone and focused on the peace that I knew was somewhere in my body, it took several minutes to find and once I did I concentrated on letting it expand and deepen. I allowed myself to become curious, to wonder what the source of my reaction to this conflict was.

I closed my eyes and looked deep within, sensing for the place in my body that was the most tense. Inside the knot of tension I found in my belly I saw a child about 3 years old, with tussled blonde hair and wary brown eyes, her entire body was tensed, as if anticipating a blow. Though she was surrounded by a darkness that devoured the light, she glowed from within.  I focused my attention on that golden light, and watched in wonder as it grew stronger, fed from the attention it was receiving. The little girl’s eyes closed, her shoulders dropped and her breathing grew deeper. I imagined my arms slipping around her small body, gently lifting her to my chest. “You are safe”, I whispered into her ear as I rocked her back and forth. The golden light within her grew brighter and brighter, and the once frightened little girl curled her body up against my chest, only the heavy breathing of deep sleep emanating from her. I tucked this vision into a safe space inside my heart and opened my eyes. I noticed my body, it felt somehow more solid and at the same time soft and warm. I felt as if I had received a precious gift. The next time I was confronted, yes it happened again, I realized the true extent of this gift. Instead of freezing in fright when I was criticized, I stood strong and calm. My curiosity was piqued and I wondered out loud what he was really so angry about.  An incredible connection happened in that moment and a beautiful conversation followed.

What I now know to be true….There are many inner selves (which can show up in any form; a child, a dragon, a warrior or witch…depending on the conflict/ situation the possibilities are endless) who will control my body/behavior as long as I am not conscious of them. This inner self‘s purpose is to protect my power/ energy and my gift/brilliance. In it’s role as protector this inner self will use any and all means of body reactions/ behavior to keep my energy from being forcibly taken, which is what happens when one party in a conflict “wins”. These inner selves are Not my True Self.

Once I am conscious of this inner self and am in relationship with it (which can sometimes be a longer process) and have made it feel safe by allowing it to Be what it is without judgment, effectively “put it to sleep” my body does not react to the conflicts and I am present and centered; I( my true self) can choose how I wish to react and if appropriate offer my gift in any given conflict instead of being controlled by one of my inner personalities.

Your gift is your birthright and your brilliance. You are full of gifts waiting to be embodied and expressed, your fullest life waiting to be lived.

Your inner self will keep your brilliance safe. Keep it hidden away so it will never be ridiculed or diminished. But can brilliance shine when it is locked down deep inside?

Your gifts, your brilliance is meant to shine out into the world…. nourish, enchant, inspire others into allowing their brilliance to shine into the world.